First posted on CharlotteFive: http://www.charlottefive.com/when-someones-just-not-that-into-you/
We’ve started a new segment on the podcast called the Cuervo Corner, where listeners can submit questions/comments/concerns and Ali and I address them. This past week we had a question from a listener who’s been seeing a guy who says he’s “not ready for a relationship.” Our listener is slightly stumped and wanted to know what to think of this. Is it a legitimate excuse? Is it worth it to stick around?
At some point or another we’ve all been in this situation, and it’s a tricky one. There are certainly well-meaning people who are commitment phobes and need time to get adjusted to the idea of being in a relationship. On the other hand, there’s a difference between wanting to take it slow and not wanting to take it anywhere.
Dating in 2016 leaves a lot of room for interpretation, though, and it’s not always easy to tell where someone falls on that spectrum. However, one would assume that even if this gentleman was a little gun-shy, if he truly knew that this was a person he wanted to be with then he would find a way to make it happen. Based on this fact and other details that the listener provided us (check out the episode to hear the full scoop), Ali and I agreed that this guy appears to be using a feeble excuse to get himself out of any sort of formal commitment.
If you’ve seen the movie or read the book “He’s Just Not That Into You,” these ideas are familiar and apply whether you’re dating men or women. You can try to conjure up all of the reasons in the world why someone hasn’t contacted you. They just got a promotion at work! They were tapped by President Obama to be the next Supreme Court justice!
In reality, if they wanted to reach you, they would find a way. The same goes for relationships. If they were desperate to have you in their life, they would find a workaround for their commitment phobia. This is a crappy realization, especially if you’re invested in the person. But while it hurts to come to terms with the fact that your feelings on your would-be relationship aren’t the same as theirs, understanding this frees you up to seek out someone who would love nothing more than to go all in when it comes to a relationship with you.
Though it can feel like the world is a wasteland of Tinder bros who just want to hook up, we know (with some encouragement from our coupled up friends) that there actually are single people who are interested in finding something real. It just takes time and energy to sort through and get to them.
So rather than try to make someone commit when he’s not invested, it’s best to hold out for someone who appreciates you, no hard sell required. I know this sounds like something your mom would tell you, but we really, truly believe it.