Whether you dated someone for six months or six years,post-relationship closure can be an elusive thing. You trick yourself into thinking that one more conversation will help you feel at peace, or that you just need to Instagram stalk them one more time and you’ll remember why you broke up.
Because closure is so tricky, we had to take a highly scientific Twitter poll to see if listeners thought it’s even possible to achieve.
Turns out 64 percent of people do believe that finding peace about the end of a relationship can happen. With that in mind, here are some things to consider when you’re ready to tie that split up with a bow and move on.
(1) Closure is fluid
You feel OK about the end of your relationship one day, but then your mind starts kicking into overdrive when you can’t sleep one night, or you see something on social media and suddenly you don’t feel so settled anymore. It’s normal for your feelings of closure to ebb and flow.
(2) You can feel closure about one aspect of your relationship, but not all of it
Deep down you know you weren’t a good match romantically, but you still wish you could be friends or at least exist peacefully in the same social circles. It’s OK to accept the end of one phase of your relationship, but to struggle with the current state of your connection (or lack thereof).
(3) Asking just one more question or having one more conversation probably won’t make much of a difference
We’ve all been Carrie Bradshaw asking Big “why wasn’t it me?” when he gets engaged to Natasha. (That’s a “Sex and the City” reference, for the uninitiated.) But because you can’t write the other person’s dialogue exactly as you hope they’ll say it, you might find that that last meeting wasn’t as satisfying as you wished it would be. It can feel so necessary to hash things out one last time, but in reality this can also just keep your search for closure going for longer.
(4) You can still think about the other person even though you’ve moved on
Thinking about your ex from time to time is normal. Closure isn’t a synonym for totally erasing all traces of that person and that relationship from your brain. You can move on entirely, but still find that they come to mind when you hear a particular song or go to a specific restaurant.
(5) You can get closure for yourself without engaging with the other person
Even if you don’t have a big, drawn-out heart-to heart with your ex where you both apologize and make peace, you can get to a point where you can accept the end of the relationship on your own. As you rebuild and get comfortable with what your life looks like post-them, suddenly the need to do a post-mortem of your relationship feels less and less necessary.